Rock Bottom

Let's set the scene by saying that 2024 certainly is a new low point in my life.

The year already started with hints of what to come, and I decided to look for a therapist early in the year. Between current family events and the realization that I might have some unresolved childhood trauma, it seemed like a good idea. Given the current waitlists in Europe, it would take a few months to find one anyways.

During this time, I reconnected with someone I used to date for a few weeks last year. Our lives didn't line up properly at the time, and after a few very promising weeks we wouldn't see each other for a few months. We didn't know each other well enough to get through those months apart and eventually "broke up". Fast forward to the beginning of the year, when we reconnected and immediately realized that our feelings for each other hadn't disappeared.

Sadly, fate still wasn't on our side. We attempted to maintain a long distance relationship through the summer, with the hopes of moving closer together come autumn. For the summer, we made plans to spend a few weeks together, with me working remotely before going on vacation together.

What happened next is still a mystery to me. Working remotely while traveling and going from "some time together" to "all the time together" wasn't easy and caused some frustration on both sides. But after only two weeks together, she left me behind in a foreign country, didn't talk to me for three days, and then broke up over text when I decided to go home.

This hit me incredibly hard.

Months later, I am still shellshocked. The relationship and how it ended bring up so many questions about myself, my boundaries, and my sense of self-worth. Add to that a totally new set of trust issues, mix it with my pre-existing conditions, and you have total emotional chaos. Hello, serious depression.

Hope

This is not my first dance with depression, but it might be the hardest one so far. And despite trying to take really good care of me with regular sleep, exercise, and social interactions, I do not feel like I am getting any better. Quite the opposite, actually. And so, while I still have enough energy, I am setting a goal for myself.

I love roadtrips. Being on the road, following my own route, and discovering new places with either a car or motorcycle has something magical to it. And right now, I need that more than ever. So I am making myself the promise that next year, I will cross at least one of my bucket list rides off the list.

This gives me a perspective.

For one, I have something to do now. I need to plan a trip and make a route. I need to prepare the car and build it out so that I can work and travel with it for a few weeks. I need to test everything on shorter trips before leaving. All of that will keep me very busy in the short-term.

And it provides an opportunity to explore a few old and new hobbies. Start journaling/blogging again, do some woodworking to build out the car, get back into photography, start going on stupid hikes for my stupid mental health, spend way more time in nature. I am sure all of those will be better for me than sitting on the couch and watching Netflix.

Am I avoiding my feelings by throwing myself into a large project? For sure!

Do I really need this right now? Yes.